I have so much to do, and I dont yet have the time to organize them all and frankly, i have not yet been inspired to actually change the layout of my little site (and a lot of this has to do with me forgetting HTML and then my lack of knowledge of CSS). So until then here are some ideas.

1. Project: Overhaul 4.0 will be put on hold until I have come up with a better plan. It shall be renamed Project: Overhaul 4.1 due to the fact that it's a major change from what has been stated in the current project.

2. Since I'm such a camwhore, I'll also try to put up a section for photoblogging. I think that it's a great idea. But so that people wont start getting sick of seeing my face the whole time, I would be putting stuff there that's not only me, but other topics as well. With that in mind, I need to have a digicam and a working pc. hahahaha

--update: got my new pc!

3. Serious life routine changes need to take effect immediately.

4. I also need to get the following ASAP
- The Book of Answers
- an altar

5. I also have to learn how to budget my time. Recently, I think that I have been spreading myself too thin for so-so reasons. I think that I need to do something more worthy of my time.

6. New dog.

Again, while Project: Overhaul 4.0 is on hold, this will be the main enrty that you would see (at least here in this site) for these things will be my main focus for the coming months.

Full Scale War. 

Okay, may be not at that level. But we are now officially at war. Too much has happened that I no longer want to type it all up here, but I'm of the position that I did not do anything wrong here. The person that I confided in, while his friend too, is *my* boyfriend. I have every right to say what's in my head to my partner. And take note that I was being objective in what I said. Hindi ko sya siniraan. 

What would I gain from badmouthing him to everyone? What kind of a friend does that to his *best* friend?

I dont know what's going on in that small head of his, but at this point I no longer care. I've spent too much time trying to understand him. Enough is enough. 

So i finally found the nerve to stay away from his ex. Just to be on the safe side. We're on an uneasy truce. I'm beginning to think that we shouldnt have made peace at all. Truth be told, I am not hanging out with his ex to piss him off. We (the ex and I) are friends and that's why we hang out. We couldn't invite him because he's busy with his "newfound love". He's such an idiot. What I ever saw in him, I'll never know.

Anyway, there's this new boy I'm seeing and I think we're hitting it off pretty well. He likes me. I like him. And now here he comes swooping the boy from me. DONT YOU ALREADY HAVE ONE?! I just broke up with my lame excuse of a boyfriend. I dont think we can even be called that. He has something steady. 

I'm threatened. Yes, and you know why? Because he's all the things I'm not. He's got a better body, he's got money (not liquid but still), and he's got the moves. I have just half of each. And I am yelling at myself everyday to try to be the better person for myself. I've just gotten it and now here he comes making me feel useless. 

It still depends on the new guy as to who he will pick. But I'm pissed. I know that I have no right to be jealous, but what would he feel if I made the moves on his boy? I *explicitly* said that I liked his guy and he moved in for the kill and they're an item now. And now you're moving in on mine? Maybe I should pretend to like someone else and maybe you'll move in on that too and loosen your grip on this one. I really like this one.

SO LEAVE HIM THE FUCK ALONE!

So I think I joined the bandwagon of Mac users. I just got myself a macbook (the 2009 white model) and I'm beginning to love it. Of course the newer macs are more powerful, but then again, who can afford those things? My aunt just gave this to me so who am I to complain.

So let's do a round of updates:

• my mac's name is Asval
• I'm heading to Coron, Palawan on Sunday morning for a well-deserved vacation
• my quarrel with my best friend has been resolved. We're okay now. Or at least that's what it looks like and I'm not complaining. it could be better but I guess that'll have to take a bit of time.
• i'm trying to scout for a breeder still. i havent seen any husky that i really like.

Or maybe I didn't really lose him because I never really had him. I was just a tool. A means to an end. An alliance of convenience. I was never really his best friend. It was a title that placed on us, but it wasn't really mutual.

Today, I will swallow my pride and make peace. But this is the only chance he gets. If I get turned down, then it will be forever.

I have stooped to low for people to be able to reach me. Never again.

Please vote for my friend ryan! Please visit this link and vote!!

http://globalgam.com/vote/mr-gay-world-philippines-2012

Your support is greatly appreciated!!!

Back to the Truth.

Seems like some feelings that have been buried are trying to resurface. I don’t like it anymore that you do, I suppose. And yes, this is still about him. Remember that I have trying to avoid getting sucked into this black hole? I’m afraid I’ve reached its event horizon and there’s nothing I can do now to avoid being sucked into that void and repeat the process all over again.

Do I tell him that I still have feelings for him? I tried to kill it but it just refuses to die. Do I not tell him and live forever in this state and cover him up with other guys to eventually numb the painful fact that I *cant* have him.

I know the answer to the question and I know that the answer won’t change no matter what I say. Why can’t I just turn this off? My life will be soooooooo much simpler if I could.

We’re going to be neighbors soon. So not only will I see him in the office, and in the gym but I will see him every god damned day.

I guess the next best option (if that were the case) is to lie to him and say that the house has already been taken and he needs to find somewhere else to live. Cruel, sure, but an effective solution to a future problem.

Or maybe a little bit of exile might do me a little good. His little trip outside the country will give me time to breathe and take it slow and probably get my mind off things.

Two weeks might be enough.

What bothers me is that I thought I was already over this. I had already accepted that fact and that was going to be it from now on. Was it just me trying to save face? I really believed it. My heart has betrayed me yet again.

The thing is, this isn’t just attraction. This isn’t just me trying to relieve me of certain urges. This isn’t something that’s just a phase. This is real. I love him. I do. But I can’t do anything about it. I cant even tell him.

The truth is that I love him. The truth is I cant be with him. The truth is I cant handle that and there’s nothing I can do about it. The truth is I want this to go away so I can be happy.

Maybe changing my company is another solution.

So it's october now. Things are back to normal. Yes, I'm talking about that. We're back to where we were before. Hanging out, insulting each other, partners in crime, supporting each other...so on. To be honest, I don't know why we're here. I was expecting us to be miles apart, to not talk anymore and not be friends anymore. We almost goI t to that point but we patched things up. Let me site a quick story:

After that infernal episode of rejection, I told him not to talk to me about the other boy he was sort of dating. I could handle the complaints, the insecurities and whatever else he usually spews on a daily basis. That I could handle. But the previous days where he would talk about this boy felt like I was being hit by a baseball bat. Hearing any of that now felt like I got shot by an elephant shotgun

So I gave us the distance we needed to think and focus on what's ahead, and not dwell on the not so happy surprise. We'd talk, but it was just the generic conversations. It's what happens when two people tip-toe around each other. I tried to fast forward the pain and wallow in the hurt so I could get immunized as fast as possible. That was usually the process. Sulk for a while and then stand up and pick up where I left off. Friday, I asked to speak to him privately so that I could tell him I was alright and that if he wanted to, we could really just be friends. All I wanted was 15-20 mins and that was it.

I reminded him several times, but in the end, he ditched me. He said he left because he was already sleepy, but I didn't buy that because I know that he doesn't ever feel sleepy until he's been awake for more than 24 hours. He was meeting the boy.  Understandably, he couldn't tell me that *that* was happening. I asked him to. The point of the conversation I wanted to have was that I no longer cared about the other guy. He could tell me anything now. I was over it. What inflamed me to rage was that he couldn't afford to talk to me for 15 minutes. Just 15 god forsaken minutes. 

Blinded by rage, I stopped talking to him. He'd text or send me messages through social networking sites, but I'd ignore it. He'd send messages everyday but I ignored every single one of those. I wouldn't stay anywhere near him unless it was about work. If a bunch of friends and me went out to lunch and he joined mid-way, i'd finish my lunch really fast and leave. I wouldn't stay 5 mins any place where he was within line of sight (unless absolutely necessary). Then he got it.

But he didn't talk to me about it. Hell, he didn't know I was furious at him. He was spilling his guts to another friend of ours. According to her, he was bothered that I wasn't speaking to him or acknowledging him. It got to him. But he didn't know why I was doing it. Idiot. Our common friend finally got fed up with his whining about the situation and out of concern, she told me all about it.

 I was already cool with what was happening and so after while I got used to ignoring him. I've already told myself that he's no longer going to be a part of my life. I had cooled down. Call it perfect timing, but she was able to reason to me that time. So I told her that I was going to talk to him when I get the chance. I was never going to do anything about it too. He came to me eventually. He wanted to talk. I gave him a chance to explain his side. I told him I was furious. He understood that. And after the talk -- and he wouldn't let the day end without it -- we patched things up.

I think he needs me. He said that he only has a handful of friends, and I'm one of them. I don't know how we became such good friends, but we can talk about anything and everything. Of course we have differences and nothing I say or do is right or enough for him. Pramis, wala na akong nagawang tama. He'd always criticize what I do. Something that I appreciate and annoy me at the same time. 

Do I need him? I may have come to the point that I think I do. Never does a day pass by that I don't think about him (not that way). Like what best friends do. But I've got a lot of friends and a few really close/best friends. He's special because it happens to be the only one of my bestfriends that I actually liked and almost close to loving (as a lover would). 

But we can't. He can't do it. The friendship is too important for him to squander on something like love or sex between us. He's the closest thing I have to a brother after all. He looks out for me. I look out for him. We have a very weird relationship, I know. I, on the other hand, don't really care about sex-with-friends ruining friendships. I can maintain a no-strings-or-emotions sex with a friend and not be weird about it the morning after. Too bad he isn't the same. I guess you can call him your conservative run off the mill boy.

Or he's not just that into me, in a romantic way. I'm just cute.  I don't have six pack abs, bulging muscles or a hot figure. He says it doesn't matter, he's dated guys way fatter than me, or guys that don't look as good. I'm not trying to sell myself high here, I'm trying to make a point.

---okay, I think I forgot my point. Oh yes, there are times in a month that I'm in heat (like everyone else) and I remember what happened and I just couldn't accept it. And that sends me to a blind rage that I cover with something else to make me look less stupid and to make sure that I don't send the wrong message to him. That I'm in love with him.

I think I'm over that. I no longer look at him that way. I'm not romantically interested in him anymore. Sure, he's way hotter now, but I really don't look at him like that anymore. I've moved on and I'm happy with the new boy I screw every now and then. I've already set up my fortress and it's effective.

Thing is, it's one thing to be a brother, but it's another to be the pseudo-boyfriend. I think that what I am turning into. All the baggage and none of the benefits (hah!). Maybe, I'm just looking at this wrong, or maybe I'm over analyzing again. It's how I feel. It's what I feel. I may not know what this is called but I feel like being sucked in that hole again. I don't want to be there anymore. 

Maybe the stuff that we do and the stuff he tells me are something that normal siblings do to each other. Funny, coz I have three other siblings but I feel like I'm an only kid. I don't even know them half as well as I should. I know my friends better than I know them. It's wrong I know, but that's how it has been since the beginning. None of us wanted to open up and say anything and now it's too late to care or say anything. And I know that it's never too late to do something about it, but it's too tedious to start now. The point is, I grew up alone. I love them, sure. But I never really connected with them.

I don't know what the point is here. Maybe I'm having this connection now, and since he isn't blood, I misinterpreted this as a romantic connection, but all this really was is an only kid reaching out to another only kid. Or maybe he's filling the space of not having someone there and let me take care of the emotions and everything else while someone else takes care of the sex.

Look, if that's the way it is, I don't have a problem with any of those. I just want to know what this is so I can wrap my head around it and not mess my head with all these other things. I just want to know. 

Is it wrong to want to know?

I've gotten out of the rabbit hole (yes, this refers to a certain someone) and it looks like I'm getting drawn in again. Dear god this is sooo difficult. I mean, those feelings that i swore would be buried and forgotten and never to be entertained seem to be rising back from the dead. looks like feelings can be zombies too.

I honestly dont know what to do. Things are going great and I want it to stay that way. We all know this is not going to go anywhere pleasant if we start entertaining the idea. We are all clearly aware what happened the last time (and yes, I am still talking about the same person). 

I am going to have a little chat with that blasted little cherub.

Anyway, my problem is im stuck and i dont know how to move. if i start distancing myself (physically or emotionally), then he'll know something's up. If i dont, then i'll eventually get sucked in this black hole and i wouldnt even want to know how i'll turn out after.

i'm trying to kill it, but it gets a little too bothersome. i'll probably have to revive my that don't like him. 

to be honest though, i'm still trying to convince myself that i don't like him. trying.

out of sight, out of mind. at least that's a good solution for now. but gotta think of something quick. a